he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
