i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
