i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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