idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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