She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
