Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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