if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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