who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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