Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
