i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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