awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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