I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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