he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize