I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
