Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
