Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
