btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
