I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Randomize
