I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize