My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
