Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
