1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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