Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
