Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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