I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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