i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
