My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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