This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
