It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
