I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
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