Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
