Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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