Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
