I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
