Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
