you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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