Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
