True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
