It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
