Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
