if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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