he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
