i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
