Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
