You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
