I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
