He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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