you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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