It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize