just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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