omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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