YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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