I am in a vortex of obligation.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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