What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
