We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
