4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
