i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
