The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
